Ok the start of the movie gives an advantage to the new movies; No beginning credits! Seriously this does not suck you into the movie. Its boring, and kinda narssasistic. Knowing that people generally wont bother with reading the credits after the movie, they force us to read the credits before, so if were watching at a cinema we have no choice but to know who did the cinematography, and the directing, and the toilet cleaning. There just better placed at the end of a movie, when we walking out of the cinema.Thank God I CAN fast forwad!
So we start off with a self opening story book, where we get to read the boring exposition.
So because of a magic mirror and a queens vanity Snow Whites life is in danger. All those who have wondered, it seems that Snow Whites named after her skin tone. Seriously, the mirror describes her as "Skin; white as snow". So her parents named her after her skin tone. No wonder they appear to be dead.The biggest problem with this name though isn't how bullied she'll be getting through her life, its that her skin isn't that white.
Infact, I'd go so far as to say that the Queens face is paler than hers!
You have to ask yourself though, if the Queen succeds in killing Snow White, would she go through the kingdom killing all the females prettier than her? But what about before Snow White was the fairest? Did the mirror actually ever say she was the fairest? Or has the mass killing already happened and thats why Snow Whites real mothing is no longer alive, and the King was forced to marry her due to lack of choice? I smell fan fiction!
After we find out the evil plot by the Queen, we're taken to our first meeting with our heroine, Snow White, cleaning steps. But not to be disheartened, Snow White immediatly breaks into a song about how if you wish into a wishing well and you hear an echo your wish will come true. Yes, she believes that the echo of a well is your wish being granted. The educational system in this kingdom needs to be reviewed.
However, while singing to the well Prince Charming comes along. Talk about embarrising. There you are, singing a song to a well, when suddenly (and very randomly) the man of your dreams appears out of no where! Awkward.
Snow White does what anyone would do in this situation; run away! But don't worry Snow White, Prince Charming also likes to sing spontaneous songs featuring the adorable antics of small creatures. A match made in heaven I think.
After our introduction to Snow White we cut back to the Queen giving orders to take Snow White out to pick wild flowers, and there the hunts men is ordered to kill her, bringing back her heart. Being the big coward that he is, he spares Snow Whites life, telling her to flee into the woods. Yeah she'll be safe there. A young girl who thinks echo's grant wishes who's lived her life in a castle. Yeah she's going to survive in a woods, possibly filled with rapists due to all the beautiful women being murdered. Bravo Mr. Logic. Infact if you really felt for her you'd just kill her quickly and painlessly, instead of letting her suffer. Bastard.
Paniced Snow White takes her would be murderers advice without question. However, its possible that she quickly took a dose of LSD before flee'ing as she see's monsters in everything she see's. The trees, the bushes, even floating logs. Finally she collapses to the floor because she see's the eye's of woodland creatures. See, she'll survive no problem.
Alone, homeless, a murderous step mother after her, what does Snow White do? Sing of course! When things go wrong, sing a song. Its the Disney way. So next time a chav waddles up to you, don't panic, just sing and all your troubles will go away! Because you'll be unconcious.
Fortunatly for Snow White she is the Aqua Man of land, being able to control small woodland critters. Ordering them to take her to a place where she can be safe they lead her to a small cottage in the middle of the woods.
After a quick peak in the window Snow White takes it upon herself to break into the house and deciding its too dirty she cleans the cottage. How rude can you be? Swanter into someones house uninvited and clean! The nerve of some people.
Deciding that breaking in and cleaning a strangers house isn't taking enough liberties, she goes nosing around the place, checking out the upstairs bedrooms where she finds 7 tiny beds which she believes to be childrens. Yeah 'cause children are really going to be living, alone, in the middle of the woods. Feeling sleepy she decides to take more liberty's and a nap on three of the beds. Fat ass.
Meanwhile we cut to the seven dwarfs getting ready to go home from a hard days mining. I learnt something at this point, the Hi Ho song goes; "its home from work we go" as well as "Off to work we go". I previously did not know this. Also with all the gems that seems to be littering this mine, should the dwarves own the world? I mean seriously, if their not using these gems to sell and gain money, why are they mining these gems? A hobby?
Getting home the dwarfs are stunned to find the lights in the cottage on. Thinking a monster has invaded there home and cleaned (because everyone knows monsters are clean freaks. Why they terrorise children), they quietly hunt down the monster. Find it sleeping in their beds.
Pick axes in hand they get ready to deliver a killing blow, a scene remenant of the Ring Wrath bed stabbing from the Fellowship of the Ring. But just before they hit their mark they discover it to not be a monster, but something much, much, much worse. A women =O. Due to crazy fairy tail logic the dwarfs think that a women is better than a monster so don't kill her. Weird.
Once awake Snow White part takes in the naming game. Pointing out Doc first. Not the dopey looking one, or the sleeping looking one, or the grumpy looking on, Doc? Man she's good.
The middle of the film is not that interesting. Its just showing Snow White and the seven dwarfs getting to know each other through Snow White ordering them around and them singing and dancing. At the end of the scene there's about five minutes of footage just showing the dwarfs sleeping in awkward postions because Snow Whites stolen their beds. The amazing thing though is that its quite entertaining despite nothing really happening.
Finally the plot does catch up with us, as the queen finds out she's been dupped by the woods man and goes about planning how to kill her. Does she send the guards after her? Take up a sword or bow herself? No. She uses magic to disguise herself as an old hag and makes a poisonous apple that can be cured by loves first kiss (those who've already had it are damned). Why not lace it with arsenic? Or swords? Surely actually killing her, instead of magically putting her in a state of sleep would be better? And simpler. No? Still going with the flawed poison apple plan? Fine, so be it. But don't come crying to me when it back fires.
So with the evil, magical queen after Snow White you'd think the dwarfs would stay home and guard her, right? Nope, they go off to mine for diamonds. Seriously guys, can't you take time off to protect a damsel in distress? No? Fine, go do your pointless mining.
All alone Snow White bakes a gooseberry pie for grumpy. Hopefully the others will also get pie's and she isn't showing favouritism, but we'll never know as hag queen shows up at the window. Now having been told continuously not to trust anyone, nor to let anyone in the house, Snow White proceeds to consider buying an apple from the hag before inviting her in. She even ignores the vicious attack from the small woodland creatures on the hag. Where's the justice in that? The woodland critters have pretty much saved Snow Whites life, helped her clean and bake, but Snow White still trusts an old hag over them. No manners.
Being smarter than Snow White, the woodland creatures know the hag isn't what she appears and as such run to get the dwarfs. Its saying something when woodland creatures, are smarter than you. Anyway, next we par take in an epic race against time. Will the dwarfs make it in time to save Snow White? No. No they wont. However they are in time to chase the evil queen, who decides a cliff is a safe place to run. Now I understand why Snow White's a moron, when this is your role model (due to all the other women being dead) your going to end up stupid.
Thankfully though God's had enough of her shit and lightnings her off the cliff. Yay! Now, we don't get to see a dead body, but we do get the disterbing imagery of vulters circling after her. Probably creepier than seeing the actual dead body.
Due to the guilt they felt for going mining instead of staying homeand protecting th dumb demsel.
We then get some text bridging the gaps. Though I have a problem with it. In the first set of text it implies that the dwarves think she's dead, but then in the last it says how the prince charming hears about a sleeping maiden in a glass coffin, so goes to her. But why doesshe think she's sleeping when the only people who know about her think she's dead? Slopping writing Walt, sloppy.
So of course Prince Charming finds the coffin, kisses Snow White, brings her back to life and
everyone lives happily ever after.
What should we take from this movie? Being beautiful is hard, trust in the kindness of abnormally small people, don't take apples from strangers (only sweets) and women are easier when their sleeping.
Snow White isn't an epic tale, not by a long shot. Its plot is extremely simple and the majority of its taken up by singing and scenes of dwarves pissing about. However, it doesn't need epic plot, masterful character development, amazing action scenes or awinspiring special effects. Nope it just needs its charm and adorable little woodland creatures ^_^. Overall Snow White is a lovely story, brilliantly presented by the Disney.
Score: 3/5
Authors note: This was going to have a lot more screen caps, but putting images in a blog post is a bitch. Seriously, for something so simple blogspots made it pretty annoying. So I apologies for the long, unbroken by humorous pictures and captions. Its also the reason why this has been in my drafts, and not posted, for so long.
Also instead of going along cronologically I've decided that I'm going to do a comparison battle-esq kind of thing. So my next movie I'll review the first Disney Pixar film and then do a comparison of the two and say which one wins. So next time I'll be watching Toy Story. Fuckin' awsome!
After posting Authors note: For fucks sake! I'd ordered the pictures to be all nice and arranged, but there's no actual room so I've got to re-do the images >_>. Diddums to me.
